Happy Father's Day

For many, many years I did not celebrate this day.  Yes, I did with my ex-husband and son.  Plus today I called my son to wish him Happy Father's Day, a special one with a baby on the way.  I had a grandfather I celebrated and Pop-pop my Step-Father but never a Father.  

You see, my mom and dad were divorced when I was 4 months old.  My grandmother thought it best that I had no contact with him.  Let me tell you, she was so wrong.  I met my paternal grandparents once, they came to my grandmother's house, they seemed so nice and brought me a giant stuffed rabbit, but I remember hearing her tell them to never come again.  And they didn't.  

When I around 17ish my Aunt Anne, my Father's step sister mentioned where my dad was living. I thought here it is, the opportunity to contact my father.  Visions of uniting were in my dreams.  The man would take me in his arms and call me daughter.  I wrote a letter, in it I gave him options.  One my phone number to call me. Two, write me back. OR three, if he did not want further contact from me, just put the letter in the self addressed stamped envelope and mail it back to me, at least I would know he got it.  I would respect his wishes and never contact him again.

Well, I am guessing you know what happened.  The letter came back in my self-addressed stamped envelope.  No comments, no hello daughter.  No, I love you.  

But I still love the man who donated his sperm even though I will never know what he thought about me.  He passed away December 5, 2022.  I didn't know until a few months ago when I googled him.  I did this periodically.  I was sad that no one let me know, but then who would.  Does anyone in his family even know I exist.

All I know about him is what I read in the obituary:

Luther was an amazing husband, father, and grandfather. As a long-time member of the Paradise Hunting and Fishing Club in Weatherly, Luther was known for his love of hunting and fishing. He enjoyed the opportunities to pass he love for the outdoors onto his children and grandchildren.

An amazing father.  

It looks like I have half-siblings, but I guess I will never meet them.  I wasn't even mention in the obit, although my twin brothers, who died, were.  

I don't write this blog out of hate, I write it out of love.  Love for the father I never knew, but also as a message to those fathers out there.  The ones that leave and never ever have contact with there children again.  You leave a hole.  You leave a hole so deep in a child that you could not  possibly understand.

I would have been happy with a birthday card or a phone call.  One I love you in the last 64 years would of sufficed.  

As usual I don't really celebrate this day: but let me say this -to my dad in heaven, happy father's day.

And to my heavenly Father, thank you for always be there.

and that's another day in Catasauqua